RESTLESS? RESTPLUS? I Honestly Don't Know.

It's two in the morning...here in nowhereland. uh... Am I tired? Oddly, no. But something just came into mind. Something phenomenal? I'm not sure. You just think about it.

I have a speaking problem. An impediment. An occasional impediment. A pet peeve speaking...disorder?? Why is it that whenever I am writing something, everything just comes...so naturally. So fluidly like a bottle of Dasani? Don't knock the expression til you try it. I'm proud of myself when I'm writing. Yet when I'm presenting myself, trying to be professional, be it a speech in front of a class or a job interview, I stammer? I pause where there is no period. I mumble? I do anything vocally possible or not audible...at times. I don't have a problem with people. Or at least I think I don't. I mean. Around people, I'm just loud. Blah dee blah. The words never run out. But in these rare occasions and exchanges, It's a drought? A word drought? Probably a bunch of guttural noises to them. No wonder I don't get chosen for anything. I'm so...I don't know.. But I'll ...I guess. Sleep on it..without the sleep.

Goodnight everyone.

A HOT AND COLD CHRISTMAS

Dear Blog,

I haven't been blogging for days. I've been wanting to, but you know. Christmas and laziness kicked in. I know you've been wanting me to feed you my words. They're not quite words of wisdom or anything, but I know you still want them. I guess you can say, words of boredom. I'm sorry if that sounds a little less flattering.

Hmm...so what am I doing now? Well, nothing exciting. It's boxing day and my mom abandoned me for Wal-Mart. I'm stuck in this winter hell, although it's pretty nice outside, watching the Goonies. Classic film, yes, but there are other things I'd rather be doing.

So what happened this Christmas? I actually didn't do much exciting, except go to a little family get together to put the winter depression aside. Sure, my relatives were getting me drunk and I was turning red like a cherry, but still. What I loved the most about it was that it actually felt like a real Christmas I've never had yet in my lifetime. I mean, there was a tree, there were kids opening presents, there were just people around. Being happy, reuniting with family you just don't regularly see. Considering that my family is quite... well broken, it meant a lot to me.

Hmm...Well I'm pretty bored...this week has been so slow yet so fast. I don't know. It flew by, but I was miserable. I kind of want school back. Is that sad that I want it back? Is it sad that I want all the misery and stress back? Well I've vowed myself to start school work this weekend, I need to catch up, since I consider myself so behind.

Hmm...I guess to end this post, I'm just going to list the things that I sort of wished for this Christmas. I wasn't expecting much, but I mean...still. It's fun to get it out there. I mean.. future reference? I don't think I'm going to change much. I'd be such a spoiled little kid if I had all of this...

1. iPod touch. Sleek. 32 GB. Speakers. Touchscreen. Apps. Videos. Games. Music. Dance. Can't. Say. More. Than. One. Word. In. Each. Sentence.


2. Fringe Flapper dress. What for? Dance recitals, performances etc... It's a visual and moving wonder. Impossible to find where I'm from.


3. Flat, synthetic leather boots. Again, for dancing purposes and of course some that fits pants and don't get stained like suede in the muddy winter.

4. JEANS! Every single pair that I own are patched up...in the crotchal area. I know crotchal isn't a word, but you know what? So isn't blog. Technically. I think this is the most vital though. I don't want to be known as Patches O'Houlihan.

5. Jason Mraz Concert Tix? Or an opportunity to meet him? Please? If you come across this... you know you can always hit me up with a private concert. lol Winnipeg. Manitoba. Find me. Why? You make me happy. You make my heart tumble to my stomach. It burns, but I love it.


6. Headphones. Some good headphones. BIG. DJ style. Good sound. Treat for ears.

Now, I have a little bit of cash, but hardly enough for any of these. I'm kinda stuck between boots, headphones and jeans. I NEED JEANS. I DESIRE HEADPHONES. and I'M MISSING BOOTS. It's hard man. But that's my price range. Hmm...

INTRO: Couldn't use Geek In The Pink, already taken by a genius. This post is drinking some haterade though.

As you all Mraz fans...[like me] should know, Geek In The Pink is taken and he is...wonderful. Honestly just takes my breath away. Need I say more?

But anyhoo. Intro. Blog. Me. Something about me is that I've bought so many little journals but I've never really ever finished any of them. I've only written 3 pages max and then stored it away in a crevice near my bed. It's probably dusty by now. I can still see the dolphin illustrated on the cover...and by now, I've probably lost the diary key to the lock that can be picked by ANYTHING.

I don't know. I really want to just document my life in some way. Doesn't matter who does or doesn't read this. Children or seniors.. you guys are free. Always will be. Those should be the happiest times of your life. Those of you in between? Well, life gets hard for you doesn't it? Everything costs something and you hardly get discounts for being grown up. You hardly even get good customer service being this...old/young. However you want it. Why am I going on this tangent? But the point I'm trying to get at is, well. Just in case I get Alzheimer's or something. It's here. Who's gonna give me the URL? I have no idea. This reminds me of how I have never touched my MySpace blog in years since I first got the account. **sigh**

Now...what to talk about. Me? Alright. Just because you asked. I'll tell you the little quirks in my system; whatever that's supposed to mean. Things I love. What does my heart beat for? Music. Dance. Dance is my...handwriting I guess and music is the ink. I'm always "writing" I guess. It's something I've been aspiring to be, but reality is biting at me. I'm probably never going to do that for a living unless I get lucky. I like writing, but hate having to put so much effort into getting your thoughts on paper. That's why I love keyboards. Thank you, keyboard man for your ultimate genius. I feel like a kindergartener trying to make a long list of things they like. Well. I'll keep going. Hmm. I don't know. I like a lot of things. Maybe I'll narrow it down to the things that just.... make my boat sink.

1.People who just have that attitude; that constant arrogance as if they're superior to the world. I hate the judgements made by people who are also just PEOPLE. I mean sure, express your arguments, but don't disrespect everyone else's DIFFERENT opinion. Just say yours and leave it alone.

2. Mondays. It's just a crappy day. And I'm a Garfield. Love lasagne. Hate Mondays. The start of a new restless week, so early compared to the Sunday where you probably woke up at lunch to...waffles?

3. I hate myself. Not in that self-depriving of all hope or happiness way, but I just don't like myself as a person because I tend to be a hypocrite and do the things that I just really don't like when other people do it. I just hate that there's still shame in me.

4. I hate the feeling of being [left] behind. I'm not entirely dependent on people, per se, but of course it's nice to have someone around. Also, I hate feeling behind at school. I sort of feel like a dumb jackass who doesn't even deserve an education because it doesn't seem like my hardest is enough.

5. Insecurity and bandwagoners. I have a lot of it. I wish this, I wish that. I constantly wake up in the mornings saying that I want to be in someone elses shoes [which is possible by the way. Just put on someone else's shoes] and live their life because it's just PERFECT. Everything seems to be going their way. But they're hiding things. I know I am. I feel I'm giggling every minute or so that it almost sounds like I'm convulsing. It's not as disturbing as it sounds. It's just a mask though. I think everyone knows that. I've always been somewhat ashamed of what kind of person I am, how I treat others and what I look like. I can't really put much control in that or should try. But I do it anyway. It probably kills me inside.

And BANDWAGONERS. Conformists. I understand if you recommend a CD or read a book. But just doing it ONLY for the reason of popularity of it is an overrated answer, you know? I mean. I went through the Twilight phase. It's not completely out of me yet, but I've lost some faith in it. First time I ever heard of the books is when a friend referred to it as "sex". As in yes..."the book is sex on wheels." I didn't read it, because I just don't read books. A dyslexic doesn't read books. It takes ten years to do so. So no. Actually, I'm not even sure that it's dyslexia.. but all I know is that it's a reading problem. It kinda feels like dyslexia and ADHD on roids or something.

Then this vampire thing got bigger. Then summer came. I never quite knew what happened, but I knew I lost a friend. She doesn't hate me I'm sure, although I was quite paranoid about it. But it wasn't the same. We don't have those conversations anymore. I got dull for her I guess. I'm still occasionally jealous that I don't have it anymore, but it taught me about pain. So what did I do? I read the damn books. Listened to them, really. Tried to make it fast. I read one at a costco. Borrowed one from the library, and by any means necessary got a copy of each book. My thoughts? Well, it wasn't the best thing I've ever read. Wasn't too phenomenal, it's just...I guess a fantasy thing I was never good at I guess. I still don't understand it. I'm not exactly calling it stupid, but it wasn't exactly GREAT literature. It was kind of like...a very prolonged and adjective-injected orgasm really-- and the movie just unveiled its covers. I'm sorry to those TwiHard fans if I've offended you. I know how rough these things can get. But if it makes you any happier, I don both a Team Edward and Jacob keychain on my ringsssss-- and I'm proud that they clunk in my pocket. The point is...I didn't really...get anything out of just doing this, reading it like I didn't even have a purpose for it. Just reading and reading word for word for the hell of it. I felt...numb, you know? I don't know if I can further explain that.. or if I should.

This is getting too long. So I better just leave this first post alone. I still have a lot of days ahead of me. RANT RAMPAGE. That's a good tag name. Clever cleaver.

In future blogs...

• Gonna post music that inspire each post.
• Post images that I've taken [when I get a functioning non-battery draining camera]
• Give reviews on life, movies, music, anything
• of course journal-type entries.
• whatever else that floats into mind.
  

FIRST PIECE OF TUNAGE [music] for blog. [will get a widget soon. Don't worry about it. It's just midnight and I'm famished.] Get Geek In The Pink here. Copyright Jason Mraz, man.